Top Ten Good Things About Winning A Gold Medal


10. It holds 10,000 songs

9. For one week, the government won't tap my phone

8. As long as I'm in Italy, complimentary meatballs

7. It's accepted as a one hundred dollar chip at any Trump casino

6. Flash this baby, and you'll never have to serve jury duty again

5. Makes one kick-butt belt buckle

4. It's the perfect counterpart to my 8th grade chess trophy

3. I've already been approached by "Skating with Celebrities"

2. I won a prestigious award without having to play a gay cowboy

1. It deflects stray gunshots from Dick Cheney